


Joe Sugg's Story Of Why Relationships With Caspar Lee Are Complicated

by Sunset2304



Category: Jaspar-Fandom, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, But They Do :), Fluff, Jaspar Needs To Figure Their Shit Out, M/M, Oli White Is A Great Friend, Secret Relationship, Tiny Tiny Bit Off Smut, yay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-06
Updated: 2016-09-06
Packaged: 2018-08-13 11:21:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7975006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sunset2304/pseuds/Sunset2304
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joe and Caspar's relationship has been hitting a rough patch lately but instead of trying to fix it Caspar chooses to run away from his problems.<br/>Joe is forced to stay at home and be miserable while Oli is stuck in between, trying to help figure everything out.<br/>Shit hits the fan when Caspar returns and Joe is forced to deal with everything he had tried to ignore for the past three months.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Joe Sugg's Story Of Why Relationships With Caspar Lee Are Complicated

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there! :)  
> This is my first story in this fandom and I hope you enjoy it. I have been loving Jaspar since I started wathcing Youtube but sadly they belong to themselves and I do not own them. :(  
> Please leave me some feedback in the comment section and let me know if you might want to see a second part about their reunion.  
> Please excuse any grammar or spelling mistakes, English is not my first language.
> 
> Thaaaaaank Youuuuuu! <3

Why did South Africa have to be so far away?  
I literally had been asking myself that question since the day Caspar had left to visit his family for three month. 

Three fucking month. 

Who goes on such a long vacation without taking his boyfriend with them and even refusing to let them come to stay for a few weeks? Apparently Caspar Lee, ladies and gentleman.  
Oh, did I already mention that we were actually supposed to be a couple? We had been dating for almost a whole year now and let me tell you, it had not been easy.

Caspar was still struggling with his sexuality and did not feel comfortable with telling anybody about us just yet. Four month in I finally convinced him to come out to our families and circle of closest friends because I couldn’t take the sneaking around any longer. 

Surprisingly everyone was incredibly supportive of our homosexuality and our relationship in general but Caspar still refused to take the next step and come out to the rest of the world as well. Of course I understood his worries but it still rubbed me the wrong way to not be able to say anything about it.  
With both of us being successful Youtubers that created a whole new set of problems that we now needed to deal with on a daily basis. 

For example it was difficult to film videos together because we constantly needed to watch out to not be suspicious or act like a couple. We both also basically stopped vlogging because displaying or private lives on the internet was too dangerous. All in all it was very exhausting and I had gotten tired of it a long time ago. 

I knew that it was a huge deal to admit to our relationship in public but I definitely was ready for it. I loved Caspar and even if I was going to lose some of my subscribers and receive online hate, it was worth it. I didn’t care about what anybody thought of me as long as I finally would be able to hold my boyfriend’s hand in public.  
God, when did I become so cheesy?

Caspar didn’t think so. He was scared of the different reaction we would have to face and kept telling me that he wasn’t even sure if he was gay or bi. I always told him that his sexuality didn’t matter, he could be a freaking unicorn as far as I was concerned, I just wanted the world to know that we were dating. He still didn’t agree with me though and at first I accepted his decision but after a bloody year I was seriously fed up.

A few months ago I started pushing the topic by talking about it more and even arguing with him.  
Once it got so bad that we were screaming insults at each other’s faces till the early morning hours. After that our relationship never really went back to normal because neither of us was ready to change their mind.  
Caspar then got the glorious idea to just run away for a while and leave me on my own in London. 

Slowly doubts about his feelings towards me had crept into my head and I tried to talk to him again which failed horribly as well. Let’s just say it ended with me hanging up on him and refusing to talk to him for the next two weeks.  
And even after that nothing changed. I was mad and our relationship was obviously undergoing a crisis which Caspar was refusing to fix. A few more desperate conversations later he was fed up as well and we kind of cut off the contact, deciding that it would be best to just stop talking for a while.

I was miserable, spending the days in my bed and trying to keep myself from calling or texting him. My sister and friends tried to cheer me up but we all knew that the only person that would be able to do that was Caspar, who seemed to be having a blast down in South Africa.  
Every day new pictures of him partying somewhere surfaced and literally set the internet on fire. After a few girls appeared in the shots as well until I couldn’t take it any longer and asked him via Skype if I could come and visit. 

He declined. 

Well, no need to say that I was pissed. Super pissed in fact. I took our pictures off the walls and even moved all of his stuff back into his old room. It was like a mini break up.  
Now I was the one refusing to text or talk to him in any way and after he realized that he had done something wrong, Caspar completely panicked.  
At some point I had to shut off my phone because he wouldn’t stop sending me messages or trying to call me. He would also ring up friends like Oli and Zoe to help him out but I didn’t give in. 

Three month had passed and today Caspar was coming back to London. I had been feeling sick all day because I had no idea if we were still dating or if we had actually broken up. Probably the later.  
We hadn’t skyped or talked at all, expect some short messaging and by now Caspar had given up as well. 

Yesterday he had called me for the first time in a month and left a voice message, asking if I would come and pick him up from the airport. I replied with a simple no but later laid in bed, crying silently while listening to his voice over and over.  
Don’t judge me, okay? I know quite well how pathetic I am. 

Now it was too late anyways. It was close to three in the afternoon and I could hear Oli talking on his phone outside my door. 

“Caspar, are you there?” 

I looked up from my keyboard and took off my headphones. 

“Yeah, I’m about to get into the car. No worries, I will be there in time.”  
He was silent for a moment.

“I don’t think he’s coming mate. He has hardly come out of his room since you left. I’m sorry.” 

They were talking about me, I knew they were.  
My teeth sank into my bottom lip and I chewed on it nervously as Oli ended the call. Just a few seconds later he peeked into my room and cleared his throat. 

“Hey mate, are you sure about this? Caspar sounded pretty down.” 

I didn’t even look at him. 

“We have been through this, dude. I’m not coming. He’s the one that left for three month.” I answered. 

“Well, yeah but now he’s coming back and really wants you to be there. Come on Joe.” My friend tried again. 

“Fuck Caspar.” I said, my voice breaking a little in the end.

“Joe-“

“Piss off Olli!”

He just stood there for a bit, then nodded and disappeared back into the hallway. I could hear him walk up the stairs and then the front door was pulled shut.  
A mixture of a sob and a sigh escaped my mouth as I raked my fingers through my messy hair. Why was this so fucking complicated? Oli didn’t even do anything, I was just on edge.

For the next hour or so I could not take my eyes of the clock. My palms were already sweating and I couldn’t yet decide if I was actually dreading the moment of our reunion or if I was actually excited. I was still mad, that was for sure.

I was back in bed when it happened. The front door opened and I heard two pairs of feet shuffle around upstairs.  
My heart wrenched but also did an awesome little twist inside of my chest. I was officially going nuts now. Caspar was back home and I still couldn’t bring myself to actually be happy about it. 

“He’s probably in his room.” Oli said and I only now realized that they were already on the stairs. 

Holy mother of Christ, he was about to come in here. What the fuck was I going to do? 

“What if he doesn’t want to see me?” That was Caspar’s voice.

They were close now. Maybe I really needed to throw up, I had actually felt sick all day. 

“Did that ever stop you before?” Oli asked. 

They were in front of my door now. He was so close. 

My heart jumped again when one of them carefully knocked. I didn’t move, just held my breath and waited. 

“Don’t fucking knock. That bloody idiot is not going to answer you. Just go in there already!”

Fuck you Oli!

Next thing I knew my door was opened and without my actual permission my body twisted towards the light. I kind of rolled from my side over onto my back and then onto my stomach. It was a struggle just to see him standing in the doorframe, looking over at me and fuck, he was so lost.  
Just like me.

“Joe?” His voice was trembling just like in his message yesterday. 

I didn’t know what to say so I just gathered what was left of my courage and lifted my head a bit.

“Hey, Caspar.”

“Did I wake you up?” 

“Kinda, yeah.” I lied and glanced back down again.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” And with that he pulled the door shut again. 

I didn’t know how to feel. This was much worse than I had imagined it to be. It seemed like we were complete strangers after dating for a year and being best friends for God knows how long. Slowly I buried my head in my pillow and pulled the blanket over my head. The world around me became dark and for a moment I allowed myself to wallow in self-pity. 

Outside Oli was yelling at Caspar but his words were muffled and I didn’t want to listen to him in the first place. It felt like a huge weight had been put up on my back and now all the emotions that had been boiling beneath the surface for months threatened to take control.  
There was anger about how we were ruining what we had together, disappointment because now I really had to face the fact that we were near the end of our relationship and pain, because no, I honestly did not want to loose Caspar.

My chest was aching and I couldn’t decide if I wanted to cry or break something. Every time I closed my eyes Caspar’s stupid face appeared in my imagination and sometimes he was kissing or touching somebody that wasn’t me. It was horrific. 

After being haunted by my own boyfriend for about an hour I settled for just keeping my eyes open. The noises of my roommates were filling my own silence and so I put in headphones to focus on myself. 

Dusk came and I watched as the light faded from my room. I hadn’t moved since Caspar had returned and my limbs had fallen asleep a long time ago. I was very uncomfortable and hungry but my fear to face my boyfriend was still suffocating me, so I stayed in bed. 

When it was completely dark Oli came to check on me. He turned on the overhead light and pulled out my headphones before handing me a plate of Chinese takeout. I started to eat wordlessly while he sat on the mattress next to me, silent as well. 

“Zoe called a couple of times.” He finally said. “I told her what happened, she is a bit worried, mate.” 

I just shrugged and continued to slurp down my noodles. I hadn’t realized how hungry I was until now. I had forgotten to eat anything the whole day, my worries about Caspar taking over my brain and bodily functions. 

“I’m worried too. This whole situation is bloody scary. You are like a zombie and Caspar is hiding in his room. It can’t go on like this.” 

“I don’t know what else to do Oli.” I answered and actually looked at him. 

“Talk to him? You love him after all.” 

He was right of course. I still was in love with Caspar but that didn’t help us any if said person didn’t return the romantic feelings any longer. 

“I tried talking before. It doesn’t work if that dick doesn’t want to talk.” 

“Joe.” Oli started again. “Stop playing this stupid game. Caspar was an idiot, yes but that was months ago. You guys haven’t spoken in a fucking long time and he is miserable. Just like you. You need to fix this; it’s getting a bit ridiculous.” 

“But I don’t want to fix it!” I snapped. “I always clean up the mess he makes. For once it would be pretty nice if he showed up and took care of this shit.” 

Oli shook his head and took the empty plate off my lap. 

“I don’t fucking care who ends up doing it in the end, Joe. I just want it to either end completely or be okay again, otherwise I’m moving out.” 

The door slammed shut as I screamed in frustration. Could this get any worse? 

Oli didn’t come back so I just decided to call it quits, fight all the weird Caspar clones in my head and go to sleep. I took a quick shower, slipped on a fresh shirt and sank back into my bed. Sleep took a while to come and get me but when it did it was deep and dreamless.

I awoke when the door to my room was opened.  
It was still dark outside, the sun wasn’t even rising yet. It had to be somewhere in the early, early morning. For a second I thought I had imagined the whole thing but then I heard bare feet moving over the floor.  
I forced myself to keep my breath even and shut my eyes again, pretending to be asleep. 

Seconds later my blanket was lifted and I shivered as the cold air hit my legs. Somebody slid into bed with me, the mattress dipping under his weight. Who was I kidding? I knew it was Caspar. I would always recognize those long legs that were now carefully winding themselves around mine anywhere.

His hand grabbed my middle section and pulled me backwards so we were now spooning. My heart was in my throat and I needed to remind myself that we basically had just broken up. But I just couldn’t push him away. It was Caspar and he was so familiar and warm. 

“What do you think you are doing?” I whispered my voice rough. 

He stiffened but stayed where he was. 

“Please, Joe. Let me sleep here. I can’t handle this. I miss you.” 

I felt hot all of a sudden, like I was burning or something. Caspar was like an oven behind me, maybe even like the sun. My own, personal sun that had been there longer then I wanted to admit to myself. 

“Didn’t seem like it when you were in South Africa.” I said into the darkness. 

My boyfriend shivered and pulled me closer. I could feel his breath hitting the back of my neck. 

“I was an asshole in South Africa.” 

“Yeah, you broke up with me.” 

“No, Joe. I didn’t.” 

“But it sure felt like it.” 

“I know.” 

I closed my eyes even though I wasn’t able to see anything anyways. 

“Why did you leave? You put everything at risk, everything that we had.” 

“I needed space.” Caspar replied honestly. 

“From what?” 

“From everything, I guess. The fans, you, myself.” 

I laughed dryly. 

“You tried to run away from yourself? How did that go?” 

It was like I could hear Caspar rolling his eyes behind me and suddenly his lips were on my skin, kissing my neck gently.  
Now I was the one shivering but I didn’t make a move to push him away. 

“I didn’t go too well.” He admitted while his mouth glided over my jawline. 

He was so close, I just had to move my head and-  
The kiss was slow. Slower than any of our kisses had ever been before. It was like Caspar was trying to show himself to me, opening up and finally letting go of everything.  
I kissed him back, just as soft and carefully, accepting whatever he was pushing towards me because hello, I could hardly deny him here. I was overwhelmed but in a good way. 

When we parted I was laying with my face pressed into my boyfriend’s collar bone. I didn’t know how it happened but I still wasn’t complaining. 

“Do you want to know why running away from myself didn’t go well, Joe?” 

I nodded. 

“It was because you weren’t there, because you are part of me and leaving you back here was like leaving part of myself. I tried to distract myself to see if I could manage without that part of me. Well, the answer is I can’t and I’m sorry I put you through so much to finally realize that.” 

“I don’t want to hide anymore. It sucks balls.” 

“Will you let me suck yours again if I promise that I will come out with you?” 

“CASPAR!” 

“I’m being serious, Joe. Please.” 

He was actually begging me and I had to admit I kind of liked that sound. I liked it a lot and I also liked Caspar and the idea of him between my legs wasn’t too bad either.  
I smiled for the first time in what felt like weeks. 

“Alright. You bloody asshole. You get one more chance.” 

Caspar did a cute little hum of approval before smashing our lips together and kissing me till my brain was fuzzy. 

“Joe?” He asked while slowly traveling down my body, taking all of my clothes with him. 

I couldn’t really think but made some kind of sound anyways. 

“If I suck your balls now will you suck mine later? Cause I really miss your mouth.” 

“I hate you Caspar.” 

He chuckled softly.  
“No, you don’t. You love me.” 

And yes, I bloody did.


End file.
